EDGE New York City

At the age of 41, Cholene Espinoza has already experienced more than an average person does in a lifetime.

A graduate of the U.S. Air Force Academy, Espinoza became only the second woman to fly the U-2 spy plane and was awarded the Air Medal for combat missions over Iraq and Bosnia in the 1990s. Today, she’s a pilot for United Airlines--she narrowly missed being killed on 9/11 because she was supposed to be aboard Flight 93 that crashed in Pennsylvania--and a journalist for a news service who was embedded with the soldiers in the Iraq war.

A deeply religious woman, Espinoza also is a lesbian who did not come out publicly until after she completed her military service.

Her spirit of service to others that she told EDGE in a recent telephone interview was instilled during her Air Force Academy days led her and life partner Ellen Ratner to travel to the Gulf Coast to help victims of Hurricane Katrina. That experience prompted Espinoza to write Through the Eye of the Storm, a book published in March by Chelsea Green. She’s donating the proceeds from sales of the book to build a community center in a small Mississippi town ravaged by the hurricane.

Her generous decision to turn the profits of the book over to building the 12,000-square-foot Pass Christian/DeLisle Community Center, estimated to cost $1 million, is only part of Espinoza’s financial support. She also bought land the center will be built on and contributed $135,000. Her partner also is a donor. Thus far they’ve raised additional commitments of $150,000.

Espinoza discussed a range of issues with EDGE--the federal government’s response to Katrina, the Iraq war, the conundrum of being a devout Christian while many religions condemn her sexuality, and gays in the military.

In her book, she writes that she knew she was gay at an early age, but tried to ignore it. She talked with EDGE about how she coped at the Air Force Academy. "Like a lot of religious people, I would pray that God would heal me," she said. "It was such a taboo and such a risk that I just didn’t even go there because everything could be taken way from me."

Espinoza had a roommate who was discharged from the academy and a member of her debate team was later discharged as an officer, both for being gay. Throughout her military career she knew people who were gay, "so I would completely avoid even the appearance of being close to anyone."

She doesn’t think hiding one’s sexuality in the military is healthy. "When you’re hiding something and you can’t really be fully authentic, it takes an enormous chunk out of your sense of self and personal integrity," she explained. That’s why she did not return to active duty after 9/11. "I just really did not think I could live that way again."

The decorated former U-2 pilot said she sees no downside on gays openly serving. "The military is all about accomplishing the mission," she pointed out. "A lot of times the argument is made that this is about human rights for gay people and that is clearly the case, but it is all about the quality of the service as well. Diversity is good."

The Air Force, she said, gave her a sense of tenacity and toughness. "I just keep pushing through the pain, whether it’s physical, emotional or mental. These are values I learned in the military."

Before her book came out, Espinoza wrote to dozens of close friends she served with whom she hid her sexuality from "because I didn’t want to put them in a position where they were carrying around my secret." All were very supportive. "One said, ’I’m so happy that you are now complete. You were not enjoying the other side of life and now you are.’"

Although she was born into a family of what she describes in the book as "holy rollers," Espinoza, who’s part Jewish, was raised a Roman Catholic, but is not now a member of any organized religion.

She compared it to life under Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell in the military. Gays "are welcome in the Catholic Church if they are not really openly gay," she explained, adding that she is most at home in that church because the Mass is "very comforting and inspirational." But she is also troubled by the church’s attempt to vilify gays during its explanations for the many cases of sexual abuse.

Espinoza believes her attitude about not being a member of a religious community may change. She worked with two United Methodist Church ministers in Mississippi and that experience drew her to a UMC minister in New York City, where she and Ratner, also a journalist, live. "He is very welcoming to gay people. The community is not all straight or all gay and is the most integrated racially I’ve experienced in my life."

Flying U-2 missions over Iraq during the Gulf War and being embedded with the military in the current conflict gives Espinoza a unique perspective. She believes the U.S. has caused a problem merely through its presence in Iraq. She recalled her experience living in Saudi Arabia during the Gulf War. "I’d get spit on. I’d get my ass grabbed. There was a sense of disdain for westerners being in their country."

Asked whether it’s time for the U.S. to pull out of Iraq, she replied that there’s no simple solution: "It merits very thorough and mature discussion for two extremes. One is that I believe if we totally pulled out or withdrew all our forces you would have what I saw when I flew U-2 missions over the former Yugoslavia. You’re going to have a bloodbath."

The key, she added, is training the Iraqi army to assume the brunt of the responsibility. "Essentially you’ll have this quasi-civilian government but power will be with the military," Espinoza observed. "What people don’t realize is our troops are pretty much in garrison mode. It is rare for the military to be engaged in active peacekeeping. Where they’re getting killed is when they are trying to resupply the camps." She thinks that "realistically we’ll always have 35,000-40,000 troops in Iraq."

Her book details some of the horror stories Katrina victims had in getting assistance from the Federal Emergency Management Agency. For example, FEMA wouldn’t help people until they received an account number. To get one, they had to phone a toll-free number or go online. Most had no phone service or electricity to power a computer--if they had one at all.

Asked why FEMA failed in its mission, Espinoza blamed a lack of empowering people throughout the organization to make decisions. "That’s the impression I got. It’s also true of the Pentagon. They say the Pentagon is run by Rumsfeld and he makes all the decisions. They say, ’Unless the secretary wants this and requested it, we are not going to jump through hoops for you because it is a waste of time.’"

She also contended that the federal government wanted to control everything after Katrina and would not delegate authority to the local governments, even though it said that was the objective.

The Bush Administration is obsessed with controlling perception, she said. To do that, "you have to be able to control information. They want to be able to own the message, whatever that is. If you start empowering people, you lose control of the message. They don’t want the message to be disbursed to someone else for fear that they will screw it up. It is a total train wreck."

As she travels around the country in her job as a United Airlines captain, Espinoza said she realized that "people are just sick of this government--both sides." She said people believe the federal government is using taxpayer money as "a corporate welfare giveaway and they are just tired of it."

Politicians are like barometers, she added. "They just react to the pressure."

She is optimistic that things may change, though, if local government is empowered. "We as Americans want to fall in love with our leaders and it’s really not about that. That’s what you learn in the military. It’s about the whole, but we’re the ones who execute it. I have a lot of respect for local government. You get immediate feedback."