"Game" On :: A Man Without Honor
Frankly, dear reader, with the exception of a two moments, this episode is just rather boring; there’s a lot of gabbing, a lot of hunting but not finding, and a lot of sexual innuendo. That might be nice on "The Bachelorette" where the guys run around half-naked and grab each other like a pile of frat boys, but on "Game of Thrones," where Winter is coming, it generally means we’re in for a long night.
Let’s begin with Winterfell.
Theon Greyjoy is such a blooming idiot. Let’s catalog his moronic acts, shall we? He abandons a nice adoptive family for his own backwater loser relatives, attempts to fuck his sister, disobeys his father and attacks a stronghold with what looks like 20 dudes, then lets the resident kitchen wench seduce him so she can run off with the children while he sleeps. Sounds like a Kardashian weekend.
Seriously. It’s like he’s the CEO of Yahoo or Goldman Sachs or something. What’s wrong with this guy? And do any of his little underlings expect to live out the month under this kind of leadership?
Anyway, Jon Snow has a boner. Which gets Ygritte excited, but makes John embarrassed, since he’s a virgin and all, and the last person he probably fantasized about boning was a wild woman named Ygritte from "Downton Abbey." On the up side, she’s all trussed. On the down side, she probably hasn’t bathed in a fortnight.
In Harranhall, Tywin and Arya chat a bit. Moving on.
In Qarth, Daenarys is kind of upset that her dragons have gone missing. Moving on.
North of the wall, Ygritte offers to teach Jon Snow how to fuck. Then she runs away. Moving on.
Ah, now here’s something: Sansa wakes up in a pool of blood. Normally on "Game of Thrones," this would imply that Geoffrey got frisky with his sword. Instead, it means Sansa has become a woman. By bleeding the bed. And her clothes. And probably the stuffed teddy bear she’s been hiding away beneath the sheets. And without doubt the underclothes she left Winterfell with that are now far too tight and probably responsible for her general state of emotional constipation.
The problem? Aside from Sansa’s need for new underclothes, she can now wed Geoffery and bear him glorious little sadist children. No doubt she’s excited about this, since the last time Geoffrey had his way with women, he forced one to rape the other with a large spiny object. Actually, I’m excited for her.
But Sansa’s period is hardly one of the two interesting moments in this episode; the first belongs to Jaime Lannister, who’s been languishing off-screen, imprisoned by the Starks in their battle camp. When his Lannister cousin, an emissary from King’s Landing, is thrown in with him and professes his undying love for Jaime (well, not exactly), Jaime gleefully snaps his neck for leverage in an escape attempt. It goes all wrong, but it’s a moment of relative excitement in an otherwise rather dreary hour.
By the way - and as a complete aside - I must say that for those HBO subscribers out there, the very best way to watch this show is with "HBO GO," my new favorite online toy. It offers you on-demand HBO shows but with enhanced features. In "Game of Thrones" that means what when one character refers to another character in passing, and you think to yourself, "Wait, I’ve heard that name before, but there are so many damn characters in this world and it’s been a whole year since I saw an episode where that person was on screen, and I went to White Party in between and had a bad crystal meth ride and I think I fried some extra brain cells and I think I used the phrase ’Barristan Selmy’ as a safe word that night during that orgy with the guy from Toronto whose friend was John Travolta’s massage therapist so now I have no idea who that character is," you can look to the right and see a pull-out with information and photos of the former Lord Commander of the Kingsguard.
And HBO didn’t even pay me to say that.
And now for the other interesting moment. It has to do with Jim. You remember him; the uber-gay Qarth merchant who dresses in gold lame and parades about followed by a retinue of flamboyant men and hanger-on girls and who didn’t want to let Daenerys into Qarth in the first place.
Well, his instincts were sound. It turns out that Daenerys - and her missing dragons - have stumbled into a bit of a coup d’état. It doesn’t go well for Jim, whose jugular is rather messily severed. And now the dragons seem to be residing in the House of the Undying, where creepy, underfed Qarthians reside. Ew.
Some other stuff happens... let’s see, Jaime and Catelyn verbally spar while Brienne looks increasingly cross, and Theon appears to have fried Bran and Rickon Stark on spits for the glory of his father’s house, and Tyrion and Cersei have a tender moment. But really, it’s all about Jim.
Until next week!