Tragic Kingdom
There are times, even I have to admit, when it is not all about me. These instances are rare of course, but one such scenario played out last weekend when I traveled to Orlando, Florida for a mini-vacation with my longtime best friends. They had been going to Orlando for years as a group, and I had always declined; somehow I knew such an excursion would not be my cup of tea, but this year I finally relented. Not for the theme parks, but for the quality time with my homies, and also so that they would never fucking ask me again.
I was all wrong about Orlando; it was even more vile and ridiculous than I could have ever imagined! First things first- the people there are fugly. I don’t mean everyday slob buying milk at the grocery store ugly, I mean oh my God your neck is bigger than my waist ugly. Mullets are all the rage, on both sexes; black socks and white sneakers a standard look; skin that is a shocking blend of sallow and sunburned. Central Florida is just a subtropical redneck outpost.
The theme parks here are of course the big draw, and Disney reigns supreme. Everywhere you look, from highway signs to airport shuttles to goddamn sugar packets in a diner, some creepy Disney cartoon character is staring out at you. I don’t trust anything, animated or not, that smiles that much. God forbid you actually stay on one of the Disney World resorts; it’s all about mind control. Only Disney channels on the TV; only Disney radio stations. It’s brainwashing. Even the clouds started to resemble Mickey Mouse. I submitted to two Disney parks; Animal Kingdom, and Disney Hollywood Studios. Animal Kingdom was cute enough; I was happy that the animals were not caged, and they did seem to be well taken care of. But a hundred bucks to ride around on a tram being ignored by some hippos? I can get that for free at any Bear event in New York City. I got through my day at Hollywood Studios only because I had taken an Ambien at the crack of dawn, and basically sleepwalked my way through it. I liked ’Star Tours’, the Star Wars ride, but almost pitched a hissy fit at the ’Jedi Training Academy’ show. They pull audience members onstage and give them light saber instructions. I jumped up and down waving my hands- Pick me! Pick me!- because I am a total Star Wars freak, and the ’Jedi’ doing the show was a smoking hot frustrated actor. But apparently they were only interested in the 8 years old and under set. Amateurs!
I also did Universal’s Islands of Adventures. Honey, Manhattan is an island of adventure; this was just an overpriced carnival with a bunch of fake ass superheroes posing for photos. Although I did get a kick out of the ’Dr. Doom’ ride, The ’Jurassic Park’ ride had plastic looking dinosaurs, and I got extremely sick on an upside down coaster called ’Dueling Drag Queens’, er I mean ’Dragons’.
So I sat for awhile just people watching, letting my stomach settle. There are a few distinct types of people that are at these parks, none of whom I ever want to encounter again. The overwhelming majority are families on vacation. Children. Iwww gross! Midwesterners, lots of Southerners, a sprinkling of Britons and Australians, and some non specific Latino families. All of them fat, slow moving and brain dead. There are also a lot of super-hot teenage boys, roaming around in packs, with their beautiful hair and muscular bodies, their shirts soaked through from water rides. I was so hatefully jealous, it was all I could do not to cry into my gigantic Spiderman themed ice cream and cupcake platter. I was also unnerved by the occasional hot straight Daddy floating around, usually in baseball cap and khaki shorts, with just a hint of a belly. You’d think they’d respond to a line like "Meet me behind the Muppet store and get me all spermed up, your wife will never know" but sadly, twas not the case.
Orlando wasn’t a complete bust of course. I truly did enjoy spending time with my gays. We took an unusual amount of delight in saying ’Kissimmee St. Cloud’, and decided it would be a wonderful drag name. On Saturday night we hit Parliament House, which, like many gay businesses in less urban parts of the country, is in a very dicey neighborhood. On the drive over, I saw a hooker walking up the street with 2 bouncy pigtails, a kid’s lunchbox and a hammer in her hand. Parliament House was a hoot- we saw a great show by Kristine W and the delightful Ongina from RuPauls Drag Race. The crowd was laid back- very laid back. Every time I went into the restroom, various men would show me their cocks. Turns out I had to pee like 14 times that night!
Would I ever come back to Orlando? Only if Disney opens a gay theme park. It can be called ’G-world’ (rhymes with Sea World, get it?). Ride the amazing Leather Queen coaster! Have your face painted by a drag queen! Swim with real live twinks! Visit the virtual bathhouse- you’ll feel like you actually have crabs!
’The Happiest Place on Earth’? No that would be in my bed with a box of Mallomars, a deaf-mute male porn star and a bottle of Patron. Whheeeeeee!
