Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets

The unnecessarily lengthy title of Luc Besson's latest sci-fi spectacle is the clue that what you are going to witness is a beautiful, bloated mess. Based on the 1967 graphic novel "Valerian and Laureline," "Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets" centers on two spatio-temporal agents who also happen to be a couple. They are brought in to defend a space city called Alpha, which consists of species from a thousand worlds. It seems another alien species has arrived and is causing havoc for the space station, and no one knows why.

The movie opens, however, on the planet of Mul, an oversaturated beach world populated by opaque, glittery humanoids called Pearls that pretty much look like a translucent version of the Navi from "Avatar." They spend their days enjoying their surroundings and collecting energy pearls that make their planet thrive in peace. But one day a number of spaceships crash onto their planet, forcing a small number to enter a fallen spacecraft and save themselves. But one of their own is trapped outside, and dies along with the planet. Or did she?

Cut to the eternally bantering couple Valerian (a horribly miscast Dane DeHaan) and Laureline (a pouty Cara Delevingne), who are enjoying time on a fake beach when they are called for a mission. That mission includes finding a converter (which happens to be a small adorable CGI creature) and bringing it to Commander Ar�n Filitt (Clive Owen) who wants to keep it out of the hands of the mysterious race that has come to attack them. But Laureline realizes something might not be right, and she demands that she hold on to the converter until they can discover who and what the aliens want.

There's a lot of plot here, and sometimes I wasn't even sure why the characters were where they were at any given time. There are all sorts of mini-adventures and action sequences just to get back to where they were near the beginning of the film. While it's supposed to play as a "Hart to Hart" in space, there really isn't much detective work to be done. There is no driving force here, because the audience already knows who the alien race is. All we need is the explanation for what happened when we weren't looking.

In the meantime, there is spectacle upon spectacle which, granted, all looks tremendous, but the whole affair is weirdly boring. Action sequences are eye-popping, but there is no suspense or thrill to them. It just looks like a pretty video game blown up on screen. The CGI character work is terrific, even though most of the aliens look like cartoon characters -- not to mention, why is it that not one movie about other alien races can actually make the aliens look individually different? Even single human looks different from the other, yet alien races all look identical, except for maybe a streak of color or what they wear. Moreover, the opening sequence showing the human race greeting the representatives of each planet as they attach themselves to the ever-growing space station is strangely racist. Why is it that the humans constantly look at the new aliens with disgust? This movie takes us 300 or 400 years into the future. Have we not evolved at all?

Which brings me to the character of Laureline. In a time where the issue of how women are depicted in film is at the forefront, there is a comic book that included the name of the heroine in the title, yet Besson has chosen to remove her from the title of the film even though she's the far more interesting character. Not only that, Laureline might talk a good game, but she - of course - becomes a damsel in distress that has to be saved by her boyfriend and, in the end, must beg for his permission so she can save an entire race of aliens. Seriously? As the character is written she should just be like, "Screw you! I'm doing what I know is right." Instead, she gets all weepy and asks for his approval.

It's no matter, because DeHaan and Delevingne have zero chemistry. You can see Delevengne trying, but DeHaan is such a non-hero that it just doesn't work. In the comics, Valerian was a muscular, masculine specimen whose character was a womanizer. Slight, with an eternally droopy look to his eyes, DeHaan is literally the opposite of this. His attempts at Chris Pratt-esque banter continually fall flat, as does all of the "comedy" the movie tries to deliver. (Every joke falls with a thud.)

Then there's the waste of pop-star Rhianna. She plays a creature named Bubble who can morph into any sort of race at will. She is pretty much a prostitute who DeHaan needs so he can disguise himself to rescue Laureline (of course). To prove her wiles, Bubble does a sexy dance for him where she continually changes outfits/characters while dancing in a variety of styles. Oddly, dancer Emilie Livingston is Rhianna's dancing double, and even though Bubble is performing for Valerian, Rhianna doesn't sing. So why the hell was she cast if you're not going to utilize her actual talents?

The list of issues with this film go on and on, which is a shame because it looks so great. I wished Besson had stuck to the source material, because based on the description of the comics, which states it's about two agents who travel through space and time using humor and left-wing ideals, I didn't see a lot of that on display. (There was only a few mentions of time-travel, but never any actual time-travel.)

Delevinge almost makes her character work, but you could easily play a drinking game by taking a shot every time she rolls her eyes. You'd be under the seat by the end of the movie. DeHaan tries his best to be a wise-cracking stud, but he's so out of his league it's embarrassing.

To be fair, Besson's sci-fi style will appeal to some just as "The Fifth Element" has become a cult favorite. Over the top and zany, it will have its fans. And, yes, it really does look amazing. But you need more than dazzling visuals to make a film work. You need a script that makes sense (Valerian's end of the film admission that he plays by the rules comes out of nowhere, and doesn't back up his actions in the rest of the film) and chemistry between your two leads. Yu also need two leads that look like adults and not like high school students, as well as a streamlined plot that allows you to enter the world without being overwhelmed by it.

"Valerian" is an overwrought passion project that I wish had worked. But too much becomes too little not to mention too annoying and too boring for us to want to visit it ever again.